If people can table demands without having watched the movie, I surely should be allowed to table a few since I have watched Padmaavat now. Now, I don’t have any Sena to help me out here. I can ask my friends to form one. But, the earliest when all are available on the same date is in 2020. Who knows, by then, Bhansali would have released Padmaavat Returns. Neither can I go on a rampage and destroy public property — whatever there is around my house is already decrepit. And, let’s not even talk about school buses. I am still scared of being summoned to the principal’s office. So, I will table my demands right here.
I want — well, I am confused. What do I want? It was so hard to decide. Deepika’s clothes were the first to grab my attention. Simply gorgeous, I say. But, then, where would I wear them? My lifestyle may not be able to incorporate them. Unless, I decide to walk into the PTM this week wearing a gold and green ensemble with a rani-haar, nath, maang tika, haath phool and ask the teacher, ‘Bai-sa, chhoro ro result kaiso hai?’ Or, go vegetable shopping in a crimson and violet lehenga, polki jewellery and bangles and look haughtily at the karelas like they were Khiljis. And, break into a ghoomar dance on getting a discount on zucchini.
How about demanding a fort like Rawal Ratan Singh had? That would be lovely! No noisy neighbours, great view of the sunset and ample parking space. The perfect place to host parties at! But, just when I’d made my mind up, I noticed a flaw: the rooms were a little weird. No almirahs, tables or cabinets. No shelves, no chairs. No doors either. I think the interior designer took an advance and vanished. Don’t they always do that?
So, I changed my mind again. I don’t want the fort. I want Allaudin Khilji’s lifestyle. How cool would that be! For starters, never having to wash my face or hair. All I’d need to do is make funny faces, which is quite my forte. And, break into a menacing dance for no compelling reason — again, an area of strength. But, what really clinches the deal is the part about getting a slave all to myself. He’d do all my work, amuse me and share neighbourhood gossip. He’d even sing as I shower. Yes, that’s it. I want a slave. But, just one request. Instead of that curly-haired guy, can I get Shahid Kapoor?
(Bestselling author Rachna Singh is a sit-down commedienne)