Dear Men,
It’s International Women’s Day and just like other things involving women, I’m sure you’re dying to be a part of this as well. Worry not. With in-depth research and consuming internet for breakfast, lunch, dinner, I’ve come up with the perfect list of etiquettes a man needs to become a gentleman in this digital era. After you’re done following these directives, all females in your life will spend the Women’s Day praising you for this feat and you’ll even qualify to be a feminist.
Exciting, right? Let’s begin!
1. Mansplaining: It’s a full time job trying to explain things to the other gender. I know it can be frustrating but I suggest that if you’re mansplaining on this day, be extra polite. Let women discuss issues like abortion, periods, birth control etc on social media about which they’ve laughable knowledge and when they are done expressing their opinions, tell them how they’re wrong in a very respectful manner. It may be time consuming but remember; a true gentleman always expresses his views in a civil manner even when they’re not required.
2. Compliments: “You’re different from other girls” is not going to be enough today. Since it’s a special day, the compliments have to be special as well. Tell them they’re as capable as any man in whatever they’re doing and applaud them for it. Even though deep down you know that they can’t be as good as men, a true gentleman will never speak it out loud (unless in the form of sarcasm, joke or a passing comment).
3. Moral Policing: You’ve been doing enough for this cause already. Anytime a female friend posts a picture that doesn’t seem right according to our society, you are there to guide her. Today will be no different. A lot of parties are happening around and the moment you find something suspicious online, be a gentleman and tell those “bad girls” to behave ladylike so as to not spoil their family name. If it’s a difficult case, don’t be afraid to hit them with a “who will marry you if you keep posting such stuff?” line.
4. Equality: You’ll be receiving e-mails about gender inequality from various sources today and a lot of women will be talking about the pay discrimination at their workplace. You will not question such claims because the office feels easier on eyes with female colleagues around. A true gentleman knows how to appreciate beauty. Also, you’ve faced inequality on social media and know what it feels like. For eg: When a woman uploads a post, she receives a higher engagement than a man uploading the same post. Such inequality!
5. Sliding into her DMs: This is going to be difficult because I know you’ve already tried a number of methods to give these lonely women a chance to be in your great company. You always heart react their posts, you reply to their stories religiously, you wave to them on messenger and you always comment “nice pic dear” on their profile pictures.
You’ve been kind enough, so I believe all you can do today is wish them, wait for them to realise what a gentleman you are and fall for you. No woman can resist a man who acknowledges that women deserve a special day in a year to celebrate their womanhood.
6. PMSing Flags: Be it a heated online argument or a woman posting strong opinions on Facebook, you’ve always made sure to wave the flag and remind them that they might be PMSing (because what else could justify such unacceptable behaviour!). Even today, you’ll find a lot of females (especially those feminazis) showing a lot of aggression towards your fellow men and it might trigger you. However, you be a gentleman and stay calm because it’s Women’s Day — a collective PMSing day for women all over. Keep reminding that to yourself and stay strong.
7. Fake news: There will be a lot of online stories doing the rounds claiming that women are strong, they can drive, they can swear, they can love sports, they can hate pink, they can do taxes, they understand technology etc. However, a gentleman will never believe these fake stories and know in his heart that women need men for all these things.
8. Sexism: This day can be hard on your boys because everyone is talking about women and womanhood. In such testing times, don’t forget your Bros. Be a gentleman and make extra efforts to make your boys feel good. There are tons of sexist memes, jokes and visual material available on the internet. Feel free to spread it across your all boys WhatsApp groups. To make things interesting, you can even make social media posts about how proud you are of women in your life and then make fun of them privately.
9. NSFW messages: Everyone who sends unsolicited NSFW (not safe for work) pictures to women on the internet in order to initiate conversation, this is the day to level up. Receiving nude pictures in the inbox has become too boring for women and therefore, a gentleman would much rather send them nude pictures of dogs, cat and pandas. Spread the word.
10. Fake ids: This is not an advice but just an appreciation note to all the men who pose as women online and go through everything real women go through. Enjoy the day boys; it’s your day too!
That’s all folks. Happy International Women’s Day!
(Sudhanshu Ramteke is a stand-up comedian)
