Friends 4ever

Friends 4ever

What is friendship and who is a friend? This might sound like a very basic question but it’s an important one. For most of us, a friend is someone with whom we share our feelings, tensions, joys and secrets. S/he is one who knows us better than our own family. 

We start using the term friend when we are as young as maybe two years old. Our first friend is the girl/boy next door with whom we play hide and seek or gilli danda, go cycling around the colony and share our toys. 

As we enter school, we create a special bond with that one person in the class of 50 (or 60/70). This friendship goes on till we pass out from school. A few lucky souls get into the same college as their school friend while those who don’t, make new friends. The bond is stronger with our college pals as we experience new emotions at this stage — first crush, love, heartbreak, insecurities, tension about the future and so on, and share all of these with our besties. 

Post education, if we move to bigger cities for better prospects, we make new friends there too. And then friendships are formed during commuting to and from work, at workplace and so on.

So at every juncture of our life, we try to find people with whom we can be ‘ourselves’, with whom we do not need to pretend to be somebody else. And that’s what friendship is all about. 

The evolution of friendship

Before social media happened, all of us spent quality time chatting, playing, sharing food, cracking jokes with our friends. The venue could be the college passage, some eatery, terrace or parking lot of the housing society or a park. We often got scolded by our parents for spending more time with friends than at home, studying. Whether in big cities or small towns, the scenario was the same. 

But with the advent of social media, things changed. Now, we are part of many communities and through them we interact with people who share similar interests — cooking, music, parenting, child care, health and so on. From sharing recipes to tips for leading a healthy life, we discuss everything. We even share our happiness, sorrows, worries and so on. It won't be an exaggeration to say that we spend more time interacting with our virtual friends on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram than personally catching up with friends. 

According to city-based counsellor and psychotherapist Dr Reena Nair, it’s true that in case of online communities, we get answers to many of our issues when we put them online. “You share your problem on the group and people share their thoughts on how to deal with them, which helps you,” she says, adding, “Your awareness about the world increases, you know how to tackle situations better.” 

Still, she feels, you don’t feel connected to those people. "The connection won't happen until and unless we meet them,” she points out. 

Makrand Thombare, counsellor, psychotherapist and relationship expert, agrees with Nair. He goes one step ahead and calls the interactions in the virtual world 'passive entertainment'. “Deriving happiness out of the comments that people share is passive entertainment and people who do that, have low self-esteem,” he points out. 

Thombare feels online communities is the easiest way to satisfy our emotional needs. “It takes hours to meet someone in person but it takes just a click of a button to interact with someone on the internet, so it’s convenient,” he says. 

The online connect

And yet, we go on making online friends. Mumbai-based content writer Priya Gokani says that there are several reasons for that. “Factors like easy accessibility to people from diverse backgrounds, age groups and cities and the fact that they don’t judge us, make online groups appealing,” she says. 

There is no denying that social media groups play a big role in our lives. It’s through social networking sites that we can connect with distant friends, relatives and family members. IT professional Debanjan Bhattacharjee, who loves interacting with strangers, says, “It’s true that we share our joys, happiness and interests with group members. But at the same time, I believe that people join such groups with a wish on their mind and in majority of the cases, it is to find a friend or a good friend. Networking sites offer numerous ways to reach out to someone who is little known or unknown and we try to get them to know better. No doubt, this process takes a lot of time, effort and courage, but it works.” 

As for him, he says, the reason he interacts with strangers is because they bring with them a fresh set of experiences, tastes, culture, backgrounds and above all, a distinct perspective on life itself. “I have always found such experiences enriching, forcing me at times to review my own value system and priorities,” he adds. 

Cyber-Security consultant Saugata Dutta looks at our need to find friends online a little differently. “We should first try to understand the importance and requirement of a friend in human life. We all need someone to share our feelings, thoughts, and judgements with. If we consider all the other relationships like parents, spouse, siblings or offspring, there would be a stratum of mind till which we can explore and let them explore. I mean each relation has certain aspects which we can’t explore,” he says, adding, “This creates a need for us to have someone with whom we can share anything and everything, a person who wouldn’t be affected by our mood swings, who would listen to our rants and shower us with cuss words if we lose touch with reality. It helps us to be grounded.” 

According to Pritish Dutta,who works as India sales head for a pet care company, these groups are great for those who have relocated and are therefore detached from their school or college friends. “These groups also help in starting a discussion about common topics, be it a meme, a piece of news, joke or a topic that attracts like-minded people, irrespective of any age. This ultimately results in forming a bond and friendship but it takes time. Online groups or friends work like stress busters after a whole week of work. They mostly have a leader who organises get-togethers and we get to meet each other quite often. Sometimes they update reviews of movies they have seen or places they have visited or restaurants they have dined at and we feel attracted to follow the same and also meet in groups,” Dutta says.

Helping in personal crisis 

But some feel that social media groups are not only for sharing recipes or honing your photography skills, but also for helping in times of crisis. There are many instances when these groups have helped its members financially, physically and even mentally. While some feel that people keep asking others to pray for the well-being of their loved ones or asking for financial help on cookery, or child caring groups is completely not acceptable, they should know that there are benefits of such groups too. Recently, on one such group, women poured in numbers when someone shared that an infant baby had lost her mother during childbirth and needed breast milk. Many came out to help the child and her family. 

Puri-based banker Susmita Pati lost her husband in April this year. Sharing her story, she says, “I lost my husband a day before we were supposed to leave for a holiday to celebrate his birthday. I shared about my loss on one of the social media groups. Instantly, the admin and others called and consoled me. On May 2, Foni cyclone hit Odisha and because I was alone, a few my Facebook friends visited me while some  called me up to find out how I was doing because Puri was badly affected.” 

Breaking the myth that virtual friendships cannot be real, she adds, “Those unknown souls on my social media group gave me strength. I feel everybody is hurt in some way or the other and when they get in touch with people with the same temperament on networking sites after verifying credentials, they gel well and help each other in crises."

Virtual versus real

It’s however interesting to find out if people with whom we interact on online groups are becoming more important in our lives than our real life friends. Nair says that though we focus more on the relationship we develop with our virtual friends, there is no comparing the two. “When you are with someone in person, some kind of energy is transferred. For example, if the other person is in a sad or negative mood, and you have much stronger energy, you can affect that person and absorb a bit of his. This will make the other person feel better. That doesn’t happen online because energies transfer only when you meet someone physically,” says Nair.  

Thombare says that virtual interactions can never replace the interactions we have with our friends. “Genuine friendship is unconditional while in virtual world, the friendship is need-based, and therefore the focus is on the need rather than the person. So, it can never be long-lasting,” he points out. 

On a lighter note, Dutta says, in friendship, cuss words are very important. “I am going to use this as a parameter to judge friendship. Now please think of the people with whom you can exchange cuss words. The question is where did you meet them? In most cases, they would be your friends from school, college or in some cases, colleagues. There would always be daily physical interaction with them. Now think about the folks you meet on social networking sites. Will you be able to curse them? Yes, there are exceptions everywhere. But mostly, you will see people getting blocked over some ugly spat. Also, to build a certain comfort zone, we need physical interaction to some extent. I strongly believe that the virtual world can’t replace the physical world but it can be a very important part of it.”  

There are many who have their own reasons for not keeping in touch with real friends and instead forming virtual friendships. Gokani says that she personally made many efforts to reconnect with her friends and also made plans to meet them but they always backed off at the last minute. “Honestly, people are too busy in there lives, they are working, married and living in cities like Mumbai where travelling takes a lot of time. So it’s not always possible to personally meet people you once connected with.” 

And you can always meet your online friends in person, can’t you? Entrepreneur Sandeep Bhattacharjee made many Bengali friends through Facebook communities. “Today, we party together, go on picnics, attend birthdays, marriages and marriage anniversaries. Online friends can become your real friends too,” he says.

Chartered Accountant Jaya Sahoo, who is now a stay-at-home-mom, says that thanks to social media, which has boosted the concept of coffee and lunches together, we are making enough efforts to meet our friends. “But at the same time, I see that people are glued to their virtual friends ignoring the presence of physical friends. Definitely distance in metro cities and changes in priorities with the passage of time play a big role,” she says. 

Homemaker Smita Murmuria Bajaj believes, “These social groups take away so much of our time, which could have otherwise been used to meet and interact with real friends. At present, we don’t feel the void, because it’s all too glittery in virtual world but it’s going to take a toll on us.”
 

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