More and more women in the public glare are finding love again. Bollywood celebrity Malaika Arora, who separated from Arbaaz Khan, is now in a relationship with a much younger Arjun Kapoor. Actress Neena Gupta too found true love again at the age of 42 and married businessman Vivek Mehra. In the past, after having a relationship with Sir Vivian Richards, she went ahead with her pregnancy and gave birth to her love child, Masaba Gupta.
Women out there are hopeful of finding love second time around, and why not? Everyone deserves to love and be loved, because of which there seems to be an increase in the rate of divorces which makes it clear that women now are no longer afraid or shy about walking out of unsuccessful marriages.
Talking to Seema Punwani, who has written her debut novel Cross Connection by blending in experiences from her own life as a single mother and her journeys as a globetrotter and a successful professional into the narrative of her protagonist Sama, we get to know her perspective on why it is completely okay to fall in love one more time. Excerpts:
- Tell us more about your debut novel and what inspired you to include your own story in it?
Cross Connection is a story that was originally inspired from my life but then took a life of its own. Some of the crazy dates mentioned in the book have actually happened to me, some are an exaggerated version of the truth and many are completely a figment of my vivid imagination. I wanted to probe on the real-life issues about finding love. Not the Mills and Boon and fairytale kind, but within the parameters of real life. Not everyone gets it right the first time. Cross Connection is about second chances at love and life.
- Why do you think it is important for people, especially women, to find love again?
What is most important is to know yourself, your priorities and what YOU want. Not everyone wants to find love again. Some are happy with a single life after going through marriage once. They want to explore other aspects of life like career, travel or even motherhood, none of which in today’s world needs a partner. But if you are the kind of woman who wants a companion and would like to give love a second chance, then it’s important foremost to have an open mind and an open heart.
- Women who find love again or ‘quickly’ move on after a break-up are judged by others. What are your views on this?
I have not cared for public opinion since I was probably four years old. So, it never mattered to me what most people think. What is critical is that you are making an informed decision. You are not moving on for the sake of it. Or because you are scared to be alone. Life after a break-up or a divorce is the best time to get to know yourself better. Learn to enjoy your own company before getting seriously involved with anyone else.
- If the new-age woman is unhappy in a relationship or a marriage, initially, she tries to make it work. But if it fails again, she is open to getting separated. Do we see a change in mindset here?
Financial independence has given women in India an opportunity to stand on their own two feet. The older generation and society at large (at least in the bigger cities) are also becoming more accepting towards divorce. Women don’t need to stay married because they don’t have anywhere else to go. If the marriage is really not working out, then women today have options. Having said that, everyone owes it to themselves and to their relationship to do all that it takes to make it work. And this should include marriage counselling also.
- Do you think women can find love on dating apps or matrimonial sites?
My advice would be get on dating apps S-L-O-W-L-Y. At first, the attention can be flattering, overwhelming even. And then you may spot your friend’s husband or college crush on the app (which may or may not be one and the same person). Such encounters can be daunting but it’s important to not get disheartened. Start with coffee. And definitely don’t fall in love on the first date. It’s easy to hide behind the screen and type words you probably would not have the courage to say otherwise. And the innumerable emojis at your disposal only make it easier. Avoid getting into the loop of endless messaging. Go out and meet new people. Office Christmas party. Friend’s wedding. Single mixers. Or simply meeting friends of friends. The one for you is out there. But if you stay holed at home watching Game of Thrones in your PJs, chances of meeting him are slim.
- When finding love the second time, what fears must you overcome?
There are several fears. Fear of growing old alone. Fear of social stigma. Or the biggest one — fear of attending family weddings as a divorcée. You need to have an open mind and an open heart to find love again. Skepticism and suspicion won’t get you anywhere. But being naïve and jumping into a relationship without thinking of consequences is not helpful either. Self-doubt creeps into the best of us. You have to know your own shortcomings as well as your strengths and work from there.
Also, it’s important to remember that as it’s your second time, it’s not likely that young, single boys will court you. Just like your divorce was not just your fault, neither was his.
It’s better if you meet someone who have ‘been-there-done-that’ and doesn’t have unrealistic notions of marriage. You can both learn from past mistakes and start life anew.
THE 3 CS OF A RELATIONSHIP
For both men and women, Seema Punwani spells out the 3Cs of a perfect relationship: Chemistry, Conversation, Comfort level. Chemistry needs no explanation. If you can find words to explain it, it wouldn’t be chemistry. Conversation is not the ordinary chitter-chatter that one can have even with strangers you meet on the train. It’s the sharing of deep dark secrets, the confiding of hidden dreams (and occasionally fantasies) and thus the overall meeting of the minds. And if all of this comes with a sense of comfort where there is no place for pretence or games, you know you have in your hands the flawless recipe of the ideal partnership.
It all comes down to several combinations. If you have 1 out of 3Cs, the relationship is not worth your time. If you have managed to score 2 of 3Cs, you need to add a weightage on the importance of each C and then decide whether you should dive in/ cut your losses. Now if you have accomplished a perfect score of 3 on 3, then baby you are gold! Give that relationship all you have. No holds barred.
