Sacred Games Season 2 is finally here!”
I felt ecstatic. I would’ve jumped like a five-year-old with joy but I couldn’t muster enough motivation to get up from the bean bag. I decided to binge watch the entire season in order to avoid any spoilers and got on with it immediately. However, I soon realised that I was taking mental notes instead of enjoying the show. Every dialogue, every expression, and every frame - my mind was scrutinising everything.
“All these scenes would make such killer memes”, the devil voice in my head spoke. I smiled. “Do you realise that you’re now a memeoholic?” the angel voice in my head countered. The smile faded and the bitter truth sunk in.
I should’ve realised this long ago, the signs were always there.
1. The mystery of the lost time: If I spent the same amount of time praying to the lord that I wasted looking at these memes, I would’ve reserved a guaranteed seat in the heaven. However, I kept convincing myself that “time you enjoy wasting is not wasted” and that hell was always a better option because my fat backside wouldn’t be able to climb up the staircase to heaven anyway.
2. The fellowship of the memes: I’ve long forgotten who my real life friends are. I now have meme friends who I haven’t even met once and the only way our friendship flourishes is by tagging each other in memes all day. While it all seems harmless, I’ve started developing strange jealousy for strangers who get tagged by my meme friends instead of me. This has led to thoughts about “being exclusive” and tag/get tagged by only that special someone. You know you’re a memeoholic when you fancy a meme relationship over an actual one.
3. The meme language: I no longer speak English, I speak memes and I can no longer hold a conversation without throwing in a meme reference. Also, I’ve stopped expressing my emotions through non-verbal communication. All kinds of feelings are now expressed through memes.
Last year, a lot of people called to congratulate me for holding my own meme fest only to discover that I was going through a break-up and those memes were just an outlet. “You’re like the Arijit Singh of memers”, someone on the internet commented.
4. The Ughh attitude: Anytime someone shows me a meme that I’ve already seen, I make the ‘Ughh’ sound and make them feel like they’ve committed a crime. Whenever someone posts an old meme, I make sure to remind them that my grandfather would’ve loved that meme. Once someone forwarded me my own meme and my first reaction was Akshay Kumar’s famous dialogue, Chal apne baap ko mat sikha (Don’t try to teach your Daddy). Unfortunately, that someone was my father and I lost my entire claim to the inheritance that day.
5. The last meme greed: Every day I decide to go to bed early, every day I fail. It’s not that I don’t want to sleep early and get rid of these dark circles. But the greed of looking at that one last meme keeps me awake for hours and before I realise, it’s too late. Memes are the 21st century stimulants and no matter how many times your eyes try to close thinking apna time aayega (our time will come), sleeping while on memes is bahut hard, bahut hard (too hard).
6. The social media influence: Social media has now become meme media and I’ve followed hundreds of meme pages that treat memes as a religion. I take meme offerings from these pages and devotedly post them on my profile for the world to see. Even if I’ve to post a personal update, I convert it into a meme before posting because memes get far better response than my boring life. “Had an accident while leaving the house” picture update will get maximum five likes and two get well soon messages. However, a before accident and after accident meme with the caption ‘ghar se nikalte hi, kuch durr chalte hi’ (just outside my house, after a small walk) will garner unparalleled sympathy.
I realised that my behaviour wasn’t something to be proud of. I’ve been stalling it for too long and I knew it was time to do something about this addiction.
“You’re doing the right thing”, the angel voice sounded happy.
“However, …”, the devil started speaking.
“Don’t say it..don’t say it..don’t say it…don’t say it”, the angel prayed.
“Wouldn’t it be better if you create a memeoholic page, post memes about these issues and gain more followers?” the devil suggested while the angel did a virtual face palm.
I again felt ecstatic. I got up, picked up my laptop and began creating a new Facebook page — Aham Memeoholic!
(Sudhanshu Ramteke is a stand-up comedian)
