Comment Reading Association Page (CRAP)

Sudhanshu Ramteke
Saturday, 9 November 2019

We are the people who make every voice heard. We are the CRAP!  

THIS IS IT”.
I went full caps thanks to my excitement of creating this unique Facebook group called Comment Reading Association Page (CRAP). I continued drafting my welcome note for the group members who were handpicked based on their internet habits and activities.

“Dear members, welcome to the CRAP. We’ve gathered here to celebrate our guilty pleasure of reading internet comments for the purpose of pure entertainment and amusement. As you all know, CommEnt = Communication + Entertainment. We’re the lot that spends hours on the social media just so that we can know what others are talking about others. We are the people who see online fights grow from small typos to character assassinations. We are the people who browse through hundreds of lines of WhatsApp chats just to know who’s winning the heated argument between relatives. We are the people who make every voice heard. We are the CRAP!  

Before we move forward and talk about the day to day functioning, it’s important to tell our members about the rules and regulations that we as a group must follow. Therefore, here are few ground rules that will help you in maintaining our community standards.

DOS
a) Gold Mining: Always keep your eyes open for a good argument and have the patience to find the rare gold. Amateurs go and check religious, political posts in search for an argument. CRAP people know that most of the good arguments happen over silly things such as what phone brand to purchase, what movie to watch and what food to eat. This country is as obsessed about Pani Puri as they are about religion and therefore keep a lookout for ‘I hate Puchkas’ posts.
b) Appreciation: Thousands of unloved people browse the internet just to comment and make strangers happy. Therefore, always appreciate good comments by reacting, replying and sharing. Spread them like Torrentz spreads viruses.
c) Fairness: CRAP people should always be fair. They should enjoy all comments irrespective of their personal biases. For eg, if your girlfriend gives a savage reply on a post that’s questioning body positivity, you should appreciate her comment and not make a fuss about the fact that she always accuses you of making her look fat in the pictures.  

DON’TS
a) Indulgence: A true CRAP warrior never indulges in online fights. Your job is to sit back and enjoy the show. Think of it as times when your parents were fighting over whether you should be wearing formal or traditional wear to your cousin’s wedding and you didn’t care because you were planning to fake a headache anyway.  
b) Judgement: Never judge any commenter based on any parameters. If a married person is making comments on a dating website, it doesn’t mean that they are cheating and you call them out. They might just be there to give inputs as an expert or to enjoy the comments or better, to catch their son/daughter which gives more scope for entertainment.
c) Reporting: Do you ever call the police when you see two people fighting on the road? Never. You stand there with the crowd and witness the action first hand. When your siblings fight, do you call the parents? Never. You watch them tear each other apart while enjoying the last ice-cream tub that they were fighting for. Similarly, do true CRAP warriors report comments? Never. They just sit there with a bucket of popcorn and watch the internet strangers fight on petty issues.
In addition to the above, here are a few tips for you to make the best out of internet:
a) YouTube is the place where you will find unmatched comments repository for research purposes. Head out to any ’90s Bollywood song that has been recently remixed and you’ll be amused.
b) Follow a lot of artists, journalists, comedians, analysts. Most of them have similar social circle and whenever they post anything on their social media, it’s a comments feast. If a poet gets involved, even better. You’ll get enough to feed your soul for days.
c) In case of a dull day, always head out to sport pages for your daily dose. The members of ‘Provocative Comments Association’ are tasked with the daily job of making ‘Dhoni should retire’ posts and you’ll definitely find some helicopter shots there.

That’s all for now my fellow CRAPsters. I truly believe that together, we can take this leisure activity to new heights and create a bigger community soon. Really excited to welcome you all again and like I said – THIS IS IT!”

I posted the welcome note on the page and felt happy above the initiative. Within a few seconds, the first comment came and my chest swelled with pride.
“CRAP. THIS IS SHIT,” it read. 

(Sudhanshu Ramteke is a stand-up comedian)

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