The budget and fifty-six-inch growth...!

Robert Clements
Saturday, 3 February 2018

Whatcha doing?” asked the wife, looking at me standing in front of the TV, “Why are you standing at attention?”
“The Finance Minister is reading out the budget!” I whispered, “And don’t shout like that, he might hear you!”
“So what if he hears me?” asked the wife, looking fiercely at the minister on the TV screen.“He might introduce a marriage tax!” I said softly, “He’s already brought in a sin tax for my beer and cigars!”
“You don’t smoke!” said the wife sweetly.

Whatcha doing?” asked the wife, looking at me standing in front of the TV, “Why are you standing at attention?”
“The Finance Minister is reading out the budget!” I whispered, “And don’t shout like that, he might hear you!”
“So what if he hears me?” asked the wife, looking fiercely at the minister on the TV screen.“He might introduce a marriage tax!” I said softly, “He’s already brought in a sin tax for my beer and cigars!”
“You don’t smoke!” said the wife sweetly.
“Who would?” I asked, “When every puff goes to the government and the government lets it go up in smoke!”
“Oh my!” whispered my wife running to her mother and jumping with joy. “Your health insurance deduction has been raised by twenty thousand rupees!”
“Wonderful!” shouted her mother, “Means I can eat more ‘laddoos’ and ‘jalebis’ and visit the hospital more often!”
“And look at this!” screamed the wife as she ran into the kitchen and disconnected our gasline, “Eight crore poor women will be given free gas connections! Just ask your friend in the government to give us a downgraded salary certificate, like he’s given all our neighbours!”
“Terrible!” I whispered, “There seems to be nothing in this budget for me!”
“Of course there is!” screamed my wife, “Hear what the Finance Minister is saying. He’s doubling the income of farmers in the country!”
“But I’m not a farmer!” I said tamely.
“Of course you are!” said the wife happily, “Remember that money plant you grew in the kitchen?”
“But that died!” I said.
“That’s what the government wants to do, help failed farmers!” said the wife, “And if Shah Rukh Khan and Amitabh Bachchan claim to be farmers, I’m sure you can too! Imagine what we can do with your income doubled!”
Troubled, I turned back to the TV and heard the Finance Minister going on with the budget. I watched the rest of the members sleeping and the rest of India wide awake, then heard another scream, this time in shock and awe, “Growth is going to increase from 8% to 15%!” they both screamed.
“So what?” I asked looking at the TV screen.
“That means it will be 65 inches!” they both whispered.
“What are you both talking about?” I asked.
“His chest measurements!” said the wife in awe, “Will grow from 56 inches to 65 inches!”
“I have never seen a sixty-five-inch chest ever!” said her mother. “We’ll need a wide-angle screen to accommodate him from now on!”
“With Bob’s doubled farmer income, we should be able to afford it!” said the wife looking at me happily. I switched off the TV, before the respectable Finance Minister started insisting I be tried in a juvenile court for misinterpreting his hard worked upon budget..!

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