I know you’ve been running, heaving, panting. Jingle Bells don’t go well with Jiggling Bellies, you and I have realised, earlier this month. We have been trying to get into shape to fit into the clothes purchased 12 months ago, at the last post-Christmas sale. So that we can look good at the unlimited Christmas buffet tomorrow which is
Rs 1199 + GST + a gazillion calories. Well, today is the day to give up. And summon Plan B: get the red dress out and offer to be Santa at the buffet.
After a week of binging, in any case, we will make that weight-loss resolution all over again. This particular resolution is easily the most popular one, right? But, where does it disappear, year after year? By mid-Jan, this unfaithful bugger vanishes like Karan and Arjun. Leaving behind us not-so-sad Rakhees, pizza slices in each hand, doughnuts around our wrists.
What are the other popular resolutions? I decide to do a quick poll. And here are the top five:
1. I will quit smoking: A number of my friends plan a break-up with the cancer stick every year. The government also does its bit by putting photos of tumour-infested lungs and throats in every possible place it can. Maybe some noble politician might consider making a tumour his election symbol in 2018. But, how long do these resolutions last? My friend was not available to comment — he’d stepped out for a smoke.
2. I will call my mother more often: That is a good idea. Because if you don’t, she will end up calling you in the middle of a critical meeting to tell you that Ramesh’s wife eloped with the watchman. And, if you don’t respond appropriately to that, she will ask you if your constipation is still bothering you.
3. I will find more time for my wife: Good idea. Remember, Ramesh is lonely now.
4. I will laugh more: Just find the right time and place. Avoid laughing when India loses a cricket match. Or, at a funeral. Or, at the building association meeting where a serious by-law forbidding pets pooping more than three ounces at a time is being floated.
5. I will follow my dreams: That’s very inspirational. But, check with them first where they are headed. Get them to meet the wife and get her approval. Else, you’ll find yourself in the middle of the road with your out-of-work dream. Who knows, someone from No 4 will come there and laugh at you.
Not on the list, but by far the top-favourite remains the pledge to lose weight. Thousands of slurred, incoherent resolutions ring in the cold New Year’s Eve air vowing to demolish thousands of kilograms. A fresh war against fat is announced every year. Then, the resolution-makers pass out, inebriated. That is when, I think all those kilos would be getting together, hi-fiving and having a good laugh.
‘Where are you going this year?’
‘Bored with the waist. I was thinking...armpits?’
(Bestselling author Rachna Singh is a sit-down commedienne)