A solution-focused, dynamic problem solver with excellent team-working skills and an inspirational leadership style.” I copy pasted the most clichéd line from Google. This was still a vast improvement over “Himanshu is a strong professional with strong knowledge” description.
My brother was searching for a new job online after having suffered from the epidemic called ‘stupid boss’. He was tired of his boss taking credit for all his work and I was helping him update his CV on various job portals, networking sites. I decided to check profiles of some friends, colleagues for reference and realised three things:
1. Everyone I know is a liar and is going to hell. Hardworking professional? More like hardly-working professional. Team player? Sure, if the team is called ‘I, me and myself’. Loyal? You’re here applying for new jobs my friend.
2. Everyone I know is a superhero. Looking at the kind of skills my friends have, they’re all Superman who are working as Clark Kent to pay their bills. Dynamic, agile, seasoned, self launchers, go getters spending their days looking at a computer screen when not saving the world.
3. Not a single person proof reads their profile. Rajiv’s hobby is cooking dogs and marital arts. Deepak is proficient in three languages — English, Hindi and Spinach. Rohan’s job requires frequent intercourse with multiple teams.
I spent hours building a perfect online resume for my brother and felt happy with the end result. However, the job was still not done. Given the fact that social media screening was now part of the recruitment process and recruiters were the real life Bigg Boss, we sat down together to sanitise his online presence. After going through his social media accounts, I figured out the most basic dos and don’ts list.
DOS
1. Ensure that all your profiles are in sync.
You can’t be searching for a job on one platform while trying to be an entrepreneur on another. If longevity is listed as your USP, asking Facebook friends to invest in your “Daily Dairy, Daily Merry’ start-up idea won’t get you the job.
2. Choose names of your social media handles correctly.
People judge you based on your social media handles. “BABY_I_AM_WORTH_IT” sounds good as a song but terrible as an insta handle. Also, if you’ve to tell them yourself that you’re worth it, then maybe you’re not worth it.
3. Put up a decent profile picture.
Recruiters want to know if you can handle yourself in the public. Five drinks down, riding on a goat profile picture of yours with the caption “Let’s go save Baahubali before Katappa kills him” won’t exactly project that image.
DON’TS
1. Over share your personal life on social media profiles.
Everyone is watching everyone these days. You are “Someone who faces challenges with a smile” and therefore you can’t be “Love is like hiking and baby I’m out of breath”. You can’t claim to have excellent relationships with your colleagues and then keep uploading pictures of snakes with their names.
2. Post discriminatory comments related to race, gender, religion, country etc.
If you’ve applied for a company based in the USA, don’t make posts that make them look bad. Status updates like “Trump is dumb but people who voted for him are dumber” could seriously hamper your green card dreams. Also, avoid posting jokes about the HR department because recruitment is a function of HR and they might just hire you to take their revenge.
3. Ask your friends to write you recommendations.
If Parag has written you a recommendation on LinkedIn, seeing him roast you on Facebook isn’t something you want the recruiters to see. When LinkedIn says “He’s a smart individual who works towards forming strong business connections”, Facebook comments on your relationship status can’t be ,“This man can do anything to get laid, even get married”.
After spending hours on the internet, we finally did it. My brother now had the perfect online image. I decided to give his profile the final touches:
- I posted a few gender equality quotes from his account to make him look like a feminist.
- I shared some information about the LGBTIQA+ community to make him look like an ally.
- I shared several posts about the third world countries to make him look woke.
My brother finally started applying for jobs and within a month, got a job offer from his dream company. “I’m finally going to resign today,” he couldn’t contain his happiness and I felt good about helping him. However, his expressions changed by the time it was evening. “What happened?” I asked with concern. “My boss, just like everything else, copied my resume and has also decided to switch jobs,” he was furious.
“Why is that a problem?” I was confused. “Well, he will be joining my new company as my new boss.”
I didn’t say another word. After the reality sunk in, I picked up the laptop and started typing, “Himanshu is a strong professional with strong knowledge…”
(Sudhanshu Ramteke is a stand up comedian)
