A new epidemic —DSLRitis

Sudhanshu Ramteke
Sunday, 20 May 2018

Health checkups and laboratory tests are unable to trace this disease and therefore here is how you can find out if your friend/family/foes has DLSRitis.

Have you heard about this new disease that is affecting a lot of people? It’s called DSLR-itis. It is a rather strange disease where every person who owns a DSLR camera believes that he/she is a photographer. I was aware that the human population is growing at an alarming rate but now I’m 100 per cent sure because a new photographer is born every day on my Facebook timeline.

Health checkups and laboratory tests are unable to trace this disease and therefore here is how you can find out if your friend/family/foes has DLSRitis.

DSLRitis Diagnosis
Ask these questions to know if you think someone is suffering from DSLRitis:

Are they clicking a lot of pictures of the poor?
The happier the poor, the more joy the DSLRitis patient gets. Also, they think it’s not art if it’s not black and white.

Have they started adding a lot of weird, random quotes to the photographs?
‘I was born to fly and I will touch the sky’ — with a photo of a bird probably just trying to find the next car to take a dump on.

Do they click random things and try to project it as art?
Most of the DSLRitis patients seem to flock around overhead lamps, bulbs, spoons, trays, glasses, mugs, doors, windows, curtains, aliens and anything that looks ordinary (caption hint — People leave, memories are forever).

Are they taking a sudden interest in Botany?
They suddenly love nature and we are not talking about science here. Flowers, leaves, stems, roots, seeds, anything. If a person starts seeing mother earth differently, definitely DSLRitis. There is also a certain disregard for the privacy of insects (so much that some insects might feel that they are on Bigg Boss where cameras are watching them 24x7).

Have they started a Facebook page recently titled ‘Random Camera Jargon Facebook Page’?
DLSRitis patients have this unstoppable urge to showcase their skills on social media and get validation. If you see pages like ‘Flaring Lense Photography’, ‘Weird Angle Photography’, ‘With Tripod, I’m God photography’ etc on your timeline, you know a patient.

Have they developed a recent digital signature that they use as a watermark?
First name Last Name Photography. Sometimes irritating because you will be seeing a beautiful picture of a landscape and with bold letters there will be a signature — KALUA BHOKALI PHOTOGRAPHY. This friend called Dhananjay Chandrashekhar Upadhyay once put up this picture of Qutub Minar and his signature was bigger than the historical monument itself.

Have they lately started showing a lot of interest in Yoga? 
DSLRitis patients are posture perfect whenever they see an opportunity to click. It’s like they were taught this in a special school. “Morning — Photography, Afternoon — Photoshop, Evening — Baba Yogadev will be teaching DSLRaasan”. 
“Excuse me sir, what is DSLRaasan?”
“DSLRaasan is our special course where we will be teaching all aasanas from yoga and all positions from kamasutra, only here you will have a camera instead of a partner.”

DSLRitis Treatment
Unfortunately, there is no way to distinguish DSLRitis patients from professional photographers and therefore, there is no treatment available. 

If you are still concerned about the patient, the best way to help them is by taking away their virus, their DSLR. However, there is a high risk that you may get affected by the disease and therefore it is advisable that you keep the virus in a place of isolation.

If the going gets too tough and you find no motivation to stop this epidemic, think about the future.

Do you want your kids to grow up and look at these Facebook pages? Your kid could be looking at the photo thinking ‘I was born to fly and I will touch the sky’ while the bird is still looking for a place to take dump. Is that the kind of parent you want to be?

If you know someone who is suffering from DSLRitis, here is how you can prevent it from becoming more severe:
- If they click your pictures, don’t use them as your profile pictures on social media otherwise it will give them validation and bring you under immense pressure to promote their work by giving photo credits.
- If they are uploading too many pictures of poor people, tell the DSLRitis patient that even poor people have a right to privacy and consent. You can even throw in few Marxist ideologies for the sake of argument.
- Send them a lot of free working opportunities in the name of  “exposure”.  For example — your nephew’s second birthday party or the funeral of your in-laws. You get the drift.

(Sudhanshu Ramteke is a stand-up comedian

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