Neta Speak

Rachna Singh
Saturday, 15 June 2019

Intellectuals say that we should keep politics out of social media, away from discussions amongst friends and from workplace discussions. I support that full-heartedly. People discussing politics with wrathful passion, frothing at their mouths, growing horns on their heads, and trawling the net for insults and abuses to make their point are a pain. They should be punished by, forcibly, being made to join Rakhi Sawant’s political party. On the other hand, politicians commenting on laypeople, on happenings they don’t concern is good.

Intellectuals say that we should keep politics out of social media, away from discussions amongst friends and from workplace discussions. I support that full-heartedly. People discussing politics with wrathful passion, frothing at their mouths, growing horns on their heads, and trawling the net for insults and abuses to make their point are a pain. They should be punished by, forcibly, being made to join Rakhi Sawant’s political party. On the other hand, politicians commenting on laypeople, on happenings they don’t concern is good. The entertainment value is far more than Karan Johar’s best movies (omit that one in which he cast himself in a role) put together and screened with free popcorn.

Take for example one MunnaBhai MBBS politician who said that cow dung and cow urine have cancer prevention and cure properties. He said it should replace medicines in pharmacy stores. That should have raised a stink. Instead, the education minister of Rajasthan added another benefit: cows exhale oxygen. What astonishing revelations! We could have cowsheds in airports, in malls and offices too. Wouldn’t you want to breathe in oxygen and sip some of that restorative beverage in a conference room? It’s no ‘moo’t point!

Animals have other skills, too. Squirrels have an engineering bent of mind, according to the chief minister of Gujarat. They helped build the Ram Setu. How about throwing your hiring open to squirrels? They are nimble, won’t need cubicles (trees would do fine) and the best part, you can actually pay peanuts!

Then, we have an intrepid neta claiming that the times of Mahabharat were more advanced than we think. There was television (DD version, that is Divya Drishti), for instance and also genetic science that created Karna, the warrior whose story of birth is somewhat non-conventional.

I think I have made my point. Netas should be invited to comment on everything which isn’t related to their work. (Work?! Haah!) I seek comments on all issues: whether sarees should have falls or not, whether organic food is really beneficial or whether toothpaste should have salt or pepper. It will be my daily dose of entertainment. Let’s start. How about them commenting on the recent incident in my neighbourhood in which a mongoose killed a snake.

Sonia Gandhi: This kind of unfortunate thing has never happened under the UPA government.

Sambit Patra: Did the snake do any work in the last five years? Bataiye, bataiye.

Shatrughan Sinha: Desh ki azadi me sabse mehatvapurna aur sabse bada yogdaan unhi ka thha.

Rahul Gandhi: Why people are tweeting so much about an amphibian?

Mulayam Singh Yadav: Don’t make that an issue. Ladkon se galti ho jaati hai.

Rakhi Sawant: Oh no Ganapati Bappa, iska ek hi solution hai – Saanp ko sirf aasteen mein rakho, bahar jaane mat do! After a pause, Lekin mera dress toh sleeveless hai.

Kejri: Paise khaye thhe usne ji — Hamare paas poora proof hai.

Mayawati: Saanp Ji ki hatya manuvaadiyon ne ki.

Tharoor: The pulchritudinous reptile being dragged into such raffish, burlesque debate is reproachable.

Navjot Singh Sidhu: Mujhe pasand nahi ladaai, Mujhe pasand aata hai romance, Lungi dance, Lungi dance, Lungi dance, Lungi dance.

Lalu: Dhuuttt burbak.

(Best-selling author Rachna Singh (www.rachnasingh.in) is a sit-down 
comedienne)

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