Goodbye #fakeworld

Sudhanshu Ramteke
Saturday, 7 July 2018

Dear Instagram user,
Hope you are happy (because you always seem like it) and things are going great (they always look great in your pictures). I hope this letter finds you in the best of health and spirits (or as you like to call it - #goodlife).

Dear Instagram user,
Hope you are happy (because you always seem like it) and things are going great (they always look great in your pictures). I hope this letter finds you in the best of health and spirits (or as you like to call it - #goodlife).

I am writing this letter to inform you that I’m uninstalling the app and therefore would no longer be able to like your posts. You’ve been one of the reasons along with many others who brought me one step closer to the decision. Here are the repeat offenders:

1. The fulltime foodie: Remember the time when I had hunger pangs at 3 am and you decided to post pictures of that double burst cheese pizza? I ate the leftover Gilki (bottle gourd) quietly while going through the pics of your cheesecake (from three different angles) and cursed myself for having such a boring life. 

2. The superfluous traveller: Greece? Paris? Vegas? Hawaii? Every time you post a picture from your trip, it sends me on a guilt trip. Every time you visit a different country of my dreams, the blank pages of my passport hurl insults at me in my dreams. 

3. The fitness guru: I’ve been watching the same TV channel for the last four hours because I don’t want to get up and pick up the remote that’s four feet away. I’m resting the smartphone on my belly as I watch your fitness videos. Now I’m unable to enjoy my rest time and I sprain my leg trying to lift the remote.

4. The PDA couples: Where are you bringing this huge supply of love from? My partner and I can hardly decide on what/where to eat without getting into an argument and here you are; happily throwing colourful paints at each other. I mean, who will wash these clothes?

5. The irrelevant motivator: Why do you choose Mondays to post your inspirational bulls**t? I’ve tried to resign three times from my job thanks to your motivational quotes and clearly that’s not helping me in my dreams of visiting foreign countries or having cheesecake at 3 am.

I know I also have my lifestyle (by lifestyle I mean being poor) to blame and it’s more of ‘me not you’, but every time I take my phone out, you trigger me. Yes, I’m talking about you all and I’m going to question your sanctity in this letter:

1. Selfie Monsters: I want to ask just one question to you all. Why are you posting your selfie? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Irritating right? Seeing the same thing again and again and again and again and again?

2. 24 x 7 Storytellers: When you go to sleep, do you still see dreams or they have been replaced by insta stories? Also, what’s the deal with capturing every moment as a story? “Uncle dead, feeling sad” funeral story? Seriously? That boomerang of uncle getting lowered in the grave was just disrespectful. Shame!

3. Hash tag freaks: #Do #you #people #realise #that #if #you #overdo #something #it #becomes #irritating #and #the #only #trend #that #suits #you #is #STUPID.

4. The Wannabe Photographers: Do you realise that you are taking pictures using a DSLR camera and uploading them on a phone app? Isn’t that like a college grad helping a school kid with his homework and bragging about it? And even putting his watermark on the kid’s homework?

5. Obsessed Pet Owners: Does PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) know that you are posting every moment from your pet’s life online without their consent? Let that poor dog take dump in peace and let that cat kill you in sleep.

6. Filter Overgrammers: Does your aadhar card photo fall out laughing after looking at your Instagram photo? It does, great! It’s high time you realised that real beauty does not lie in the hands of the filter holder. 

All of you have made it difficult to browse instagram. It has become an online competition to look #happy, even when I’m not. I can’t enjoy my hot food anymore because I’m busy taking pictures (while my mother hurls insults at me and my brother finishes major chunk of the dessert), I can’t travel without clicking pictures of every tree, branch, leaf, insect, bacteria, bacteria’s grandchildren etc. I dislike my natural face and body (except for the tummy that I’ve always hated) and I’ve started believing that I will die alone (I took an insta poll and most of my female friends agreed).

Therefore, I’m uninstalling the app and leaving this fake world forever.
Goodbye.

P.S. - Can someone teach me how to use Snapchat?
(Sudhanshu Ramteke is a standup comedian)

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