Manhood is the foundation for fatherhood. Good men make good fathers. Children and families are the benefactors.’ With this concept, Dads4Kids Fatherhood Foundation, an Australian harm prevention charity, has proposed November 19 to be observed as International Men’s Day. Recognising how it’s easier said than done, the theme for the day this year is ‘Men leading by example’ to encourage fathers to up their parenting game and make sure their sons are equipped with the right values and morals to make the world a better place. We speak to fathers to young sons on how they intend to be positive role models and raise their kids in a more gender-equal world.
Respect
Koshy Joseph, who is now a father of two sons — Joseph and Paul, grew up in a household where he was treated no different from his sister. “Some families in some parts of the country might discriminate between the sons and the daughters, but I have never been subjected to it. I was brought up to believe that there should be no difference between the way you treat boys and girls, and this is what I am going to pass on to my children as well. Education starts from home. My kids will learn what they see, they will learn from us, their parents. They will grow up to learn to treat women by seeing the way I treat their mother at home,”says he.
In some Indian homes, despite the education, women are still treated like second-class citizens with no say in anything. They are not allowed to work even though they have college degrees and are bound to the kitchen or kept busy with household chores. In some families, they are talked down to. In some families, they are victims of domestic abuse. All this stems from the fact that the men in these families are not taught how to respect women and treat them like they would treat the other men in the house. It is only when there is an environment where girls can enjoy the same opportunities and freedoms as boys that the family will take a step closer to a gender-equal world. But often families blame religion for biased treatment of different genders in the same household. Joseph disses this concept saying, “According to the Bible, God took a rib from Adam to make Eve. He took from the centre, not from above or below, from the head or the feet, because she is supposed to be his equal.”
Piyush Malhotra, father of 8 year-old Garrv, believes that just telling his son that men and women must be treated equally isn’t enough, it has to be seen and experienced. “Children don’t understand what inequality is, they do not have any preconceived notions about gender. They pick up what they see their parents do. So it is up to us to be fair to each other and treat each other with respect so that our kids learn this from us. It’s not just about treating women with respect, in fact it should be about treating everyone with the same respect, which includes the elderly, the differently abled, special children, various religious groups, communities, and ethnicities, and even those who are younger than them,” he says.
Responsibility
If you’ve travelled in a train for an overnight journey, in the morning you will find wives making tea for their husbands with the hot water flask and the tea packet. For some reason, Indian men have been so accustomed to their mothers, and then their wives, take care of everything ‘homely’ — be it cooking a meal, cleaning the house, or even using the DIY tea kit while travelling. This is probably because they’ve been brought up thinking that certain chores and duties are manly and certain ones are womanly, hence determining rigid gender roles. But this concept is outdated with the dawn of feminism. With urbanites living in mixed-gender roomate situations, independently, or as a couple, financial as well as household responsibilities are equally shared. Siddhartha Lahiri, father to four-year-old Dishant, says, “I help out in the house as much as I can so that my son learns this and does his part too. He helps his mother keep the groceries in the fridge, and do little chores around the house. Some people think that it will make their son effeminate if he is encouraged to do these things in the house, but these conceptions are obsolete in today’s world. A man must know how to be independent.”
He adds, “I make sure he doesn’t leave his bag or his things lying around, we make him keep his things by. Also, if he wants a glass of water or something, he doesn’t just relax and yell commands to the help, but gets up and does it himself. From an early age, it is advisable to teach your kid to be independent,” insists Lahiri.
Junaid Alam, who has his hands full with his two boys — four-year old Ibrahim and 6 month old Yousef — believes that every new generation tries harder to blur gender norms that are assigned by society. “Our boys wear pink sometimes. Among their other toys, they also have a kitchen set, fake vegetables and the stuff to play with. We also encourage them to express their feelings and even cry if it makes them feel better sometimes. It is important for them to be who they are and not become something else, just for the approval from society,” says he, adding, “As a father, I do household chores. Everyday I get the elder one ready for school and I take turns with my wife to feed the younger one, change his diaper and take care of him. As my elder one sees me doing all this, he thinks this is how it should be. It becomes normal for him and he too will learn to do his part in a household as he grows up.”
