Are you feeling anxious because 9 out of 10 of your New Year resolutions are already broken? Are you beginning to feel a little stressed out because 2019 feels like a bummer already? Worry not, the millennials have a term to describe this feeling and it’s called Janxiety (January + Anxiety).
January marks the beginning of a new year and brings pressure on an individual to do things differently. This can be overwhelming and can trigger anxiety known as Janxiety. Here’s how you can beat Janxiety and get on with your resolutions using seven simple apps:
1. FACEBOOK: Remember when you decided to interact with new people and make new friends this New Year? Well, it’s time to accept all those pending friend requests and let strangers become a part of your life. Also, don’t feel shy to explore that ‘others’ folder because that’s where true admirers are found. Janxiety stands no chance in front of wholesome comments like ‘cute pic deer’, ‘hello bootiful’ and ‘5 Rs ki pepsi, you are really sexy’.
2. NETFLIX: You wanted to learn a new language in 2019 and you will. It’s about picking the right TV show to binge watch. After watching three seasons of Narcos, you will be speaking enough Spanish to curse fluently. You’ll also pick up tips and tricks of selling drugs, which can also help keep afloat your ‘get a new job’ resolution.
3. WHATSAPP: The perfect place to be when you’ve decided to spend more time with family. Get creative — organise family antakshari on WhatsApp using sound notes, hold Morning Prayer sessions using video calls and use every possible emoticon during chat to show your real emotions towards family. Reply to every message, forward and greeting. Once you start reading all those good morning messages, you’ll have no time left to feel Janxiety.
4. INTERNET EXPLORER: Also known as the ‘MS Edge’ app. So you want to save money but finding it hard to resist window shopping? Are all those lucrative offers on the online shopping websites making you shop on credit? Fret not. Once you install and open Internet Explorer, time freezes. The app will not only take ages to load websites, but will also make the process extremely painful to tolerate. You will finally give up shopping for good and will be able to save money for your travel plans. Slogan for 2019 — No more shopping bill, thanks Bill (Gates).
5. INSTAGRAM: If you want to stay healthy without having to go to the gym, this is the place to be. Forget eating healthy or exercising and start following accounts that promote body positivity. The key is to follow all the brands that ‘celebrate you’ and say things like ‘you are beautiful from within’. With the right mind frame and passion, you will soon look yourself in the mirror and feel attractive without even having to break a sweat. Soon, you will even find the confidence to shame people who continued their gym adventures.
6. ZOMATO: Want to improve your personal relationship in 2019 but feel like you’re already failing? Well, here is a trick. If you ever find that your lover is upset, angry, sad, annoyed, irritated, furious, outraged, remember that they are just hungry. You may think that they need care or love, but no, you’re wrong, all they need is food. Lots of it. Open the app and order that cheese burst pizza straightaway!
7. UBER: You made a resolution to read and stay updated with stories around the world but you haven’t even begun. Worry not, your Uber app will take care of this. All you need to do is to book yourself a cab, board it and ask the driver about how he decided to become a cab driver. It’s that simple. Leave it up to him to tell you everything about his struggles, his journey from Narnia to the end of the world and him destroying the ring to ultimately help earth become a better place in turn leading him to ride that cab. Pro tip: Do not ask the driver how much he earns because that number could enhance your Janxiety.
That’s about it. Don’t give in to Janxiety; there are always more positive ways to look at things. Also, don’t let January kill you; there are 11 more months to do that. Once again, Happy New Year!
(Sudhanshu Ramteke is a stand-up comedian)