Howdy, folks! 2018 is ready to leave. It’s not coming back and isn’t leaving behind any forwarding address. Only memories — sweet, joyful, bitter, some salty. Here is a snapshot from a random album that could belong to anybody...
JANUARY: A gazillion people, including my friend, Akhil hit the gym with a vengeance. He and most of the rest quit by Makar Sankranti. The only exercise he got from that day on was rising for the National Anthem in movie halls, that was made compulsory this month.
FEBRUARY: The top search term in Google was ‘How to link Adhaar card with mobile number’. Other search terms were Baal Veer, Robot 2.0 and Motu Patlu. Older folk searched for ‘How to send stickers on WhatsApp’ making our existence on ‘family groups’ even more unbearable.
MARCH: People unhappy with their appraisal ratings, and after an evening at the local pub, swore to quit their jobs, go back to their villages and become farmers. As long as the farms had Wi Fi, pizza delivery and a brewery, close by.
APRIL: US Senator Tammy Duckworth became the first senator to give birth while in office. I don’t know who cleaned up the office after that.
MAY: Kanpur was declared world’s most polluted city by WHO. Delhi celebrated by lighting firecrackers.
JUNE: US President Donald Trump tweeted ‘I have the absolute right to PARDON myself”. Later in the year, Sundar Pichai was summoned to Congress and questioned why the President’s photo shows up when one googles ‘idiot’.
JULY: British Foreign Secretary Jeremy Hunt mistakenly called his Chinese-born wife ‘Japanese’ in meeting with his Chinese counterpart in Beijing. According to unconfirmed reports, he learnt what ancient Chinese torture was all about, later that evening.
AUGUST: India’s first all-female commando team was formally inducted into the Delhi Police. One senior police official said he was surprised that these women were better than their male counterparts in most areas. He was lucky that he was very far from this team when he made this statement.
SEPTEMBER: The Supreme Court of India decriminalised homosexuality by declaring Section 377 of the Indian Penal Code unconstitutional. My friend’s 85-year-old father asked him what ‘homosexuality’ meant. His mother and mother-in-law joined them at the breakfast table saying they too wanted to understand. My friend is still recovering.
OCTOBER: World’s biggest statue Sardar Vallabhbhai Patel was unveiled in Gujarat. It is 182 meters tall, one toe of its mega foot is bigger than a basketball hoop. The statue cost more than Nita Ambani’s trousseau for Isha’s wedding. Also, its face changes as many expressions as Nita ji’s.
NOVEMBER: Large impact crater, 31 km wide, from iron meteorite was identified under Hiawatha Glacier in Greenland. Political parties in India have been looking for ways to blame each other for it.
DECEMBER: It is the time to be merry, again and merry is measured in kilocalories — the turkey, the pies, the plum cake and the sweets. Hell, even the cane is candy and the pig, though no more, still has an apple in its mouth.
But, don’t worry — the gyms will announce exciting offers in a few days. And, Akhil and a gazillion others will be there to join you. Even if for two weeks!
(Bestselling author Rachna Singh is a sit-down comedienne)
