13 Reasons WHY...

Sudhanshu Ramteke
Saturday, 22 September 2018

Here is an unpopular opinion — Life was way better before Google. Disagree? Fret not. Hear me out. I’m going to put forward 13 reasons why Google happened for the worse of the society and you can be the judge.

Reason 1 — We’re always searching and it’s addictive. Last week I wasn’t able to find my shirt and I ended googling it up. When I found it (on the designated chair for clothes), it had a stain on. While searching about how to remove stains, things got intense and I found myself reading “10 Most Infamous Stains in History”. I ended up discarding the shirt thanks to all the blood stain stories.

Reason 2 — Kids can Google too. What happened to good old days when we could cook up any answers to their questions and they saw us as their heroes? I’ve stopped attending family gatherings because all my little cousins now know that World War II did not happen because grandpa fell in love with a rich German girl on a huge ship named Dietanic.

Reason 3 — The autocomplete feature is highly misleading. Before I could type ‘I like to teach’, autocomplete went ballistic with every activity starting with the letter T. Take my word, ‘I like to tape my hands together’ is a dangerous trend and reduces the productivity for the day. The only upside was that I couldn’t type and use Google anymore.

Reason 4 — Google maps is creating distrust in society. If I call my boss and tell him that I’ll be late because I’m stuck in traffic, he should believe me. There is no need to look at the live traffic update and call me a liar. That’s not the kind of energy you need when you’ve just woken up.

Reason 5 — The search engine is making us lazy. There was a time when if I wanted to know something, I would pick up books, go to library, go through bundles of newspaper, meet old people who were still alive and find out things. Now I can barely make it past page 2 of the search result pages.

Reason 6 — Gmail is the new Trojan and spam mails are the worst. I see a loan approval mail for my daughter’s marriage and all my worries disappear. Then they come back once I realise that I don’t have a daughter, I’m not married and I will die alone. Marketing e-mails are even worse. ‘Sudhanshu, surprise for you! Mind blowing 3 bras at Rs 888’. You’re right, I’m a male and I’m surprised. My mind is blown.

Reason 7 — The myths that you grew up with are now gone; now facts are facts. I was so disappointed when I found out that bulls don’t hate red, they’re colour blind, and they hate you for who you are. I was also sad to know that the Great Wall of China wasn’t visible from space. I would have never gone to check but it was exciting to know that if aliens were keeping an eye, we built a wall to keep them away (make Earth great again!)

Reason 8 — YouTube links have broken the family links. Gone are the days when the entire family would sit in front of the television to watch a movie or show together and everyone would insult everyone. Throwing punches at the sibling for the prized possession of the TV remote defined our culture and made us ready for the unfair things life would throw at us. We ended up trading our values for the videos of cats, dogs, babies and non-skippable ads.

Reason 9 — Mystery of meeting a new person is history. Now you can just google a person and know about their likes/dislikes which also causes confusion at times. When Megha wrote in her blog that she liked to play with current, she meant water current and not electricity. No wonder she looked so disinterested when I discussed Kirchhoff’s current laws with her for two hours.

Reason 10 — The ‘I’m feeling lucky’ button objectifies people. I know 3 kids who go by the name ‘Lucky’ and clicking on ‘I’m feeling lucky’ always feels wrong.

Reason 11 — Google doodle is such a distraction. Not to mention the problems that it causes. When my father found out that Google doodle features historical figures on their birthdays, he wanted to know when Grandpa will be featured. When I argued that Grandpa wasn’t a historical figure, he told me an elaborated story about how grandpa fell in love with a rich German girl on a huge ship named Dietanic and caused World War II. Karma!

Reason 12 — Google has the power to expose the darkest secret of the world. Imagine what would happen if Google reveals what all we’ve been searching to our social circle. You think my parents would understand that I was only searching “Ways to ask parents for money when you’re earning but broke” for fun? You think my neighbours will believe that “How to shut up noisy neighborhood kids without kidnapping them” for research purposes only?

Reason 13 — This one is really important and will change your perspective forever. I’m sure you’ll never use Google or Google products in your life again. Here it goes..wait..why is my Google docs hanging? I’m not able to save this..What’s happening? Who are you people and how did you find my location? How is this column autocompleting itself?

Ignore whatever reasons I gave guys. Google is the best thing that’s happened to mankind. Hail Google! Also, I’m off to a long vacation. Goodbye.

(Sudhanshu Ramteke is a stand-up comedian)

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