‘He dumped me, married someone and now wants me too’

Sakal Times
Sunday, 5 August 2018

This is not just a love story, it’s a love triangle

After briefly dating a family friend who was older than me by 10 years and always told me that he was head over heels for me, one fine day he dumped me on the pretext that I was too young for him and married a girl who is exactly nine years younger to him. Soon after their wedding, which included posting a lot of lovey dovey pictures on social media, the marriage was in a soup because he did not love her. Now he wants to rekindle our relationship and start where we left off. And for some reason he just won’t back off. I’m 25, and I don’t know what to do. Please help.

Darling, you must realise that this man made a decision and he must be held accountable for it. But frivolous as he seems to be, he doesn’t think much of his marriage and clearly doesn’t think your relationship was worth the commitment. I’m not going to go all righteous on you and tell you that he’s a married man and you should not break a home because he’s the one with no regard for the women in his life — his wife or his lover, and I don’t think his mother would be proud of him either.  

I understand there could have been a million reasons for him to get married to this person, there could have been too much melodramatic family pressure. But sometimes, things aren’t as complicated as people make them out to be. Know that he’s willing to put his marriage in jeopardy because he now realises that love is required to make it work. 

Are you ready to be in a relationship that he didn’t think was worth fighting for? Is he willing to divorce his wife, or does he want to have an extra marital affair, and where do you stand in his life in that case? How will you feel when he tries to hide your relationship from the world? There are so many uncomfortable questions you need to ask yourself here. It’s not like he suffered an awful marriage and then found his salvation in you and he’s willing to risk everything for some love. He gave you up, got married and now wants you back. I might be old, but I don’t think the ‘return or exchange with no questions asked’ policy applies to marriages now too. 

This is not just a love story, it’s a love triangle. Think of the wife for no other reason than just plain and simple karma. That poor thing is caught up in his mess, for no fault of her own.

Think long and hard and make a list of what you want from this relationship, and ask him if he’s willing to check them off. If you’re still blinded by romance, you’ll figure out how much he can invest in a relationship with you, and whether you want it. 

You might have thought that your world had ended when he got married, and now that he’s back trying to woo you all over again, it might feel like a dream come true, but oh honey, it’s not. This is just like the part in between sleeping and waking up where your dreams feel like a real experience, but once you open your eyes, they vanish. As shattering as it may sound, try to find solace in the fact that once you’re wide awake, the yearning for the dream goes away. 

You’re young, and there’s a world of men out there for you to explore.

You’re worth fighting for, you’re worth sticking by, and you’re worth loving. 

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